When I reflect on my Junior Year thus far, it is evident that faith has been among the biggest themes. Faith is a word of multiple meanings; this year in particular, I have been working on having faith in myself, in the course of life’s events, and in a higher power which ultimately helps me achieve both of these forms of faith.
With what I have learned this year about my own tendencies and life in general, I can now look back and see how much my lack of faith or abundance of faith in a given time period has impacted every challenge and milestone I have ever encountered.
My tendencies that correlate directly with my struggles regarding faith include overthinking, obsessive thought patterns, difficulty in making decisions, and beating myself up over my grades in school.
When I was in third grade, my teacher told my mother in a parent-teacher conference that I was extremely reflective. When you hear such a complex compliment about a third grader, it sounds like a great attribute, and being a reflective person is, in fact, an integral part of my identity. If I wasn’t a reflective person, I probably would not be writing this right now. However, I have often found myself completely lost in thought about the past or the future, which causes me to miss what’s right in front of me. I have worked hard to find a balance in order to stay true to my reflective self while still living in the moment as much as I can.
I have recently found the root of my obsessive, over-analytical, perfectionist tendencies. Every decision I faced, I automatically saw one choice as “good” and one as “bad”. I believed that there was one correct path, and if I went down the wrong one I wasn’t going to be successful in life. I felt the need for my grades to be perfect because I didn’t have faith in my future. My grades seemed to be the only thing I could control about my future, so I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my school work, because in my eyes that was the only path to success. I thought and thought about every little thing I said, did, or didn’t do in fear that these things would have an everlasting impact on the course of my life. I didn’t have faith in myself, and I didn’t have faith on wherever life was taking me. I saw life as one narrow path, and I was always in fear that I wouldn’t find the path that was just right for me.
This year began with a different mindset than any other year; I wanted to live my life to the fullest, and that is what I did to the best of my ability. I still care about school, but I have begun to care even more about adventure and following my ambitions. I found myself at the end of the “careful” and “perfect” spectrum— opposite to where I had been at for my entire life. I started to follow my impulses above all, and happiness became my priority. I found that my emotions became a lot lighter and I felt happy more often. I also found a lot of desire for instant gratification in this new mindset and tended to do whatever I wanted when I wanted to. This obviously has not been the most studious way of living, but after being so careful and demanding so much of myself for my entire life, it was necessary for me to temporarily experience life at a level that was not so deep, and to stop thinking so much about every little move, every little thing. For a period of time, I let go of my control. I began feeling and experiencing instead of resisting and questioning. I didn’t blow school off, but I let my grades naturally emerge with an amount of effort that was healthy for me. I didn’t feel the need to know all the answers or control every single aspect of my life. I have been “going with the flow”, and this is something I have never been capable of before.
Constantly living out of impulse is not a sustainable lifestyle, but through all the stress I put myself under in the past, I learned that living out of perfect discipline isn’t either. Since I have now experienced life through meticulous and impulsive lenses, with time I have begun to learn how to balance these two ways of life in a healthy way. Ultimately, I must learn how to balance faith with initiative. I continuously ask myself certain questions: What in my life can I control, and to what extent should I try to control these things? How can I peacefully let go of my control in certain areas and have faith that things will work out for the best? How can I truly believe that what occurs in my life was the right thing for me to experience? When do I step in and when do I step back? The answers to these questions vary throughout life’s circumstances, and I look forward to using my inhibition and logic in choosing how to balance control with trust.
Because everything I see is not all there is, I will continue learning how to lean on my faith while walking on paths of uncertainty.
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